a desire of a man

So I don’t make many posts of just talking about my life. So here it goes…

It’s been a good couple of weeks, in and out of myself, traveling, searching, loving. I am just kind of stuck in a rut, it seems sometimes… other times, I am so uber excited about life, and what is to come. 

One thing that has been on my mind lately is money… I work at Chick-fil-a, and it is O.K. money, but I know I can’t do that for the rest of my life, and I don’t really want too… What I would really LOVE to do, as I’m sure most people do, is travel, travel, travel. It is hard to do that these days though, and actually be able to eat… I know that I am called to be a missionary, a good father (but not just to my own children, but as a spiritual father for God’s purposes…), an blogger, a videographer (but not for money), and of course, as I have mentioned, a world traveler; I want to make a difference in this world. I’d love to start a mission to help people around the world, in poverty, with disease, help get people out of slavery, being a father, love, be affectionate towards, and be compassionate to the world, giving up of myself to those who need God, and who need to be encouraged. I have been told I am going to be a man who blesses, lives with, or is helpful towards, the most insignificant people of the world. And with all my heart, I want what God wants for me, I know that is this. I feel it all within my bones, within my eyes, within my mind, within my gut, the utmost parts of my body, and my heart (which is the most strong). I desire so much to live with God, be with God, loving Him, being with Him, being best friends, and loving others while I love God. I want it with all that I am, I could cry for years, for eternity, if I don’t do it. If I don’t strive for these things, I know I will cry for eternity. 

So as I live in this moment, day by day, striving to be the person God wants me to be, messing up, confessing my sinful ways, and loving those around me in intricate ways, ways I hope no one else has loved before. It is as if I will burst, blow, die if I don’t do what I know God wants to do through me, in me. I have to do it. 

Pray for me, that all these things, my flesh mostly, that make me fall, that make me fail, leave, and I find strength in God. 

With tears, many tears, I ask for you to pray for me, that God will be in me, and I will be in Him, and that I will do what He does, what He desires, what His heart longs for. Thats all I want. 

 

And in these final moments of this day,

I know what I must do.

I must pray, I must earnestly pray,

for God’s mercy,

for God’s grace,

for God’s forgiveness of this broken state,

I must earnestly pray,

pray, pray,

for His return to me,

for my return to Him,

for the end of myself has come,

at the end of this day,

and for it all to never come back.

new website/blog design!

So some awesome things are coming for me here soon. 

One in particular, I am getting a new website/blog design…

My friend Joel Goodman is designing a site for me (for an amazing price!), my blog, future business site, and other links as well… I am super excited!

Keep checking back here for the new design (and hopefully you will check more then just to see the design :))!!

-stephen 

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As for today and the funeral, it was one of the most sad things I’ve been too. 

The whole room was weeping; it was as if the floor was being filled with tears, and the thought of the life he lived, and that life that was lost, and all the people he loved dearly, was broken. 

I didn’t breath most of the time. The weeping was all you could hear, with a dead silence that was heart wrenching.

The room was filled with so many people, though! There had to be at least a hundred to two hundred people standing, and 2 hundred sitting… It was packed, you couldn’t even walk. 

That kid had a lot of people who loved him dearly, I’ve never seen so many people, and so many tears, in my life.